Beyond Simple Labels
One of the factors which drove the development of the Core Values Index was a growth of personality tests which classify people as being “controlling people” or “caretakers” (people pleasers), assigning these characteristics as primary traits.
While these modes of behavior seem to be more apparent in people with certain kinds of core values, through self-discovery it becomes clear that every person is involved in the battle for control, and at certain times and in a variety of ways, one of the means of control which each of us may choose is caretaking, or people pleasing.
The Universal Struggle for Control
The reason each of us has chosen to be the way we are is related to our natural tendencies and to the parenting we received (or did not receive). Some of us learned to do open battle and to move aggressively for control of situations. Others learned that such an approach led to failure because someone else had more power to begin with or was more skilled in battle.
For these persons, another more subtle but equally effective means to gain control was found through taking care of the needs of others. This strategy builds a certain level of obligation on the part of those around the caretaker. It also builds a dependency and an illusion of control which creates a lessening of aggression from more overtly controlling people.
The Hidden Danger of Caretaking
We are all involved in the struggle for control. Some of us use caretaking as a means to obtain more control. In business restructuring work, it becomes clear that caretakers cause just as many problems, if not more, than the overtly controlling people—whether they be Builders, Merchants, Innovators, or Bankers.
Caretaking people tend to be passive-aggressive personalities, unwilling to take an open stand but willing, like everyone else, to continue to pursue the things they want. This indirect strategy, especially since it comes toward the recipient in the guise of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, is confusing, manipulative, and difficult to read.
How Caretaking Undermines Teams
People who work with caretaking people don’t feel a lot of pressure to perform job tasks, but they do feel pressure to behave in certain ways, to speak in certain tones of voice, and to fit in.
Since caretaking people do not create clean boundaries in personal relationships or work relationships, they create an environment of chaos and distrust. No one dares to make a decision for fear of “disappointing” the caretaker.
They do not set high standards or hold people accountable because that feels to them like overt control tactics, and they have learned that for them, these control tactics are not safe or effective. To do so would also create the true impression that the caretaker also wants to control things—a truth that would require a level of integrity the caretaker is unwilling to assume.
Why We Avoid Setting Standards
The reason we don’t set high standards or hold people accountable to high expectations is that we are terrified that we will be required to live up to these same standards. In fact, we are generally expected by others to meet our own standards.
That is the single best reason for setting high standards and holding others accountable for performance. We will rise to the requirements just as sincerely as those around us.
Other Destructive Patterns by Core Value
Other nasty habits which are practiced by all four core values include: passive aggression, “poor me” victim complaints, depression, anxiety, anger and rage, withholding feelings, discounting of others, and more. Yes, these types of strategies tend to appear more often in different core values types of people, but these behaviors slide around and get used across the board.
Builder Patterns
Builders and Bankers most often adopt controlling tactics as part of their arsenal. Builders may use intimidation, aggressive confrontation, and direct force to maintain control of situations.
Merchant Patterns
Merchants and Innovators tend to opt for the land mine approach of caretaking. Merchants may use people-pleasing, obligation-building, and indirect influence to maintain their position.
Innovator Patterns
Innovators may withdraw, withhold information, or use intellectual superiority as a control mechanism. They may manipulate through strategic silence or complexity.
Banker Patterns
Bankers may use rules, procedures, and “the way things are done” as control mechanisms. They may create elaborate systems that maintain their control over processes.
The Path from Fear to Effectiveness
When we experience ourselves being overpowered by someone, or unloved, or unappreciated, or judged as being wrong, we feel fearful. We get a tight knot in our stomachs. A voice in our head tells us to take defensive action and we react, shifting out of our positive self and into the negative conflict strategies of our core values—our learned personality behaviors.
Some of us shift from one negative Core Values Strategy to the next in order to escalate the conflict to a higher level and bring in the bigger guns of a different Core Values Strategy. When we move from positive to negative, or when we move from one Core Values Strategy to another because of fear, we lose our effectiveness.
Reclaiming Your Power
We are no longer in control of ourselves or the situation when we shift into defensive mode. We can no longer take positive action since we are focused on deflecting the energy of someone else. We are on the defense.
The secret is to give up the idea of changing yourself and take possession of your life. Claim the powerful, loving, creative, and knowledgeable elements of your life and build on them. Instead of trying to change who you are habitually being, the challenge is to find your way back to being who you really are.
Each core value without fear has a wonderful capable strategy for developing fulfillment and success in life. The idea is to reclaim your life from the rules and expectations of parents, teachers, and early social influences to see yourself as the wisdom, power, love, or knowledge in the room that you are—and to develop all of the positive aspects of your Core Values Strategies, minimizing your negative reactions.
Breaking the Cycle
What I don’t know about myself controls my life. If I do not know and understand the ineffective ways I handle the variety of people and situations in my life, if I am not willing to change the attitudes and ideas and beliefs that motivate these ineffective behaviors, if I am not aware of the beliefs and ideas which I keep locked away—supposedly out of sight—I am controlled by these things.
To the degree that I know myself and remain conscious of the beliefs and attitudes that control my behavior patterns, I am in control of my own life. I am psychologically and spiritually awake. I am able to make conscious choices. I can ask myself “What is the most effective response?” rather than simply react out of old personality scripts or comfortable patterns.
Understand Your Patterns
Ready to break free from destructive workplace habits? The Core Values Index reveals the underlying patterns driving your behavior and provides a path toward more effective professional relationships.