Now That I Know Why I Hate Working with Him, What Do I Do About It?
In discussions that follow group testing using the Core Values Index, many latent and not-so-latent hostilities, frustrations, and resentments may come to the surface. This is one of the powerful benefits of the CVI. There is no need to be afraid of these arising conflicts.
My experience has been that the persons involved in surfacing conflicts tend to grab the new information provided by the CVI like shipwrecked survivors being thrown life vests from a passing ship. They know they have to put them on before the life vests can have any value, and they know they still depend on others to help them get back on board the ship.
Why Core Values Differences Create Conflict
Just the knowledge that much of the conflict is derived from persons who simply approach life in different ways provides a major shift of attitude. Merchants tend to quit seeing Builders as rude, arrogant, unfeeling people and more as Builders who tend to resort to intimidating tactics when pressed or frustrated.
When the assumption of mean or negative motive is put aside and replaced with an understanding that the things I am experiencing (which I don’t like) are simply survival tactics in the other person, much of the hostility is removed from the situation. I can then see which tactics resound and clash with my own survival tactics and see that this interaction is exciting old personal dramas for me and possibly for others involved.
Common Conflict Patterns by Core Value
Builders in Conflict
When frustrated, Builders may resort to intimidating tactics, direct confrontation, and forcing their point. They may steamroll discussion in their drive for action and results.
Merchants in Conflict
Merchants may prioritize harmony over necessary conflict, use indirect approaches, or feel personally wounded by disagreements. They may struggle with direct confrontation.
Innovators in Conflict
Innovators may dismiss practical constraints, withdraw into problem-solving mode, or become frustrated when others don’t see the solutions they see clearly.
Bankers in Conflict
Bankers may slow progress with excessive analysis, insist on more data before deciding, or become rigid about processes and procedures.
From Negative Assumptions to Understanding
Builders may still find Merchants irritating, but they will tend to have just a little more tolerance and may even decide that some forms of social niceties are not so disgusting as to be unacceptable business tactics—especially if a Builder wants to have a more successful and productive relationship with the Merchants in their life.
When we each become more aware that the posture presented by other Core Values Strategies is not personal to us, but is simply that person’s chosen posture (strategy), we still may not invite them over for dinner. But we are given new tools (understandings) that will allow us to develop reasonably effective relationships with these people in a business setting. We will all waste a little less time bouncing off each other and more time focused on the business objectives at hand.
When Simple Understanding Isn’t Enough
There are situations where two or more people may have taken positions toward each other that are not easily surmountable with a few simple meetings. The individuals may not be able to go off together and reach a satisfactory resolution.
Often these strong oppositions and hostilities are encouraged by the management systems and business structures in the workplace. One involved person may be the boss, which makes for an uneven battle between individuals. Occasionally, one of the parties is unwilling to bend in any manner in their approach to the others, or is unwilling to forgive or trust the other(s) again.
The Conflict Resolution Protocol
When two or more people appear to be focused negatively on others with whom they must work on a regular basis, the following structured procedures for conflict resolution are recommended:
- Designate a Facilitator: One uninvolved person, preferably with good management, listening, and negotiating skills, will facilitate.
- Establish Ground Rules: The facilitator will state the ground rules and ask each person if they are willing to abide by them. Obtain an audible “yes” from each participant.
- Share Concerns: Ask each participant to share their concerns. All comments must be directed to the individual by first name—no referring to anyone as “him” or “her.”
- Acknowledge and Respond: Ask each other participant to acknowledge that they have heard the concerns and to state how and to what degree they feel they may be accountable for the ongoing concern. No interruptions.
- Seek Additional Solutions: Ask the question, “Is there anything else you might be willing to do to improve your relationship with [name]?”
- Repeat Until Resolved: Continue the process until all parties have been heard and all concerns have been confronted.
- Document Unresolved Issues: List any concerns that appear to be unresolved. Adjourn with the requirement that each person will think about appropriate business solutions and their own willingness to change their behavior.
- Reconvene: Meet again a few days later and repeat the process until all issues are resolved.
When Resolution Isn’t Possible
If participants are unwilling to reconvene, or if they are too openly hostile to be reasonable—if one person is able to intimidate the other beyond hope for open candid discussion—there are three options:
- Separate the People: Reorganize so they do not have to relate to each other regularly. Note: They may re-ignite similar conflicts in their new teams, so this may just be postponing the inevitable.
- Terminate Employment: It is amazing what happens within a department when a major source of conflict is removed. The people remaining feel honored by the act and know they will be held accountable for their own professionalism.
- Require Professional Development: Require that one or more participants obtain professional counseling or job training, depending upon what the source of the conflict is determined to be. Set a date for issues to be re-addressed.
The Power of Self-Knowledge
What I don’t know about myself controls my life. If I don’t know who I am at the unchanging inner level, I cannot fully comprehend how I operate, how I think, what motivates me—or why certain people and situations trigger conflict responses in me.
Self-knowledge is the cornerstone on which leadership, top performance, and high contribution are built. Understanding your own core values and those of the people you work with transforms conflict from mysterious interpersonal warfare into understandable patterns that can be addressed constructively.
Transform Workplace Conflict
Ready to understand why conflicts occur in your team and develop strategies for resolution? The Core Values Index provides the foundation for turning interpersonal friction into collaborative success.